For my very first post... i thought id talk about something i feel very strongly about.... the menace known as chimpanzees. Now everyone knows that a chimp is a fun loving, friendly, and docile creature right? After all, whats more adorable than a chimp wearing a suit and tie (and diaper) doing business with another chatty chimp? For years they have been wearing peoples clothing and swinging from chandeliers ruining snooty party goer's dresses and helping lassie find her way into the hearts of Americans... but is this portrayal accurate? Let's take a look at the facts......
1. Chimps are not friendly... chimps are in fact the most aggressive of all primates....(save for possibly the Chicago Bear). Chimpanzees from a larger group will form small parties of around 4-6 mostly male apes and sneak into a neighboring group of chimps territory. If they find another lone chimp they will stalk and kill it, often in an extremely painful way (biting of fingers, pulling off skin etc.). They will sometimes repeat these raids until the other group of chimps is completely destroyed.
2. Chimps are strong. REAL STRONG. an average chimp is pound for pound, 3-4 times stronger than a human, and those pounds are all muscle, you don't see a lot of fat chimps... That means a 100 lbs chimp is as strong as a 400 lbs man.
3. Chimps have some pretty gnarly fangs, ever see the set of teeth these things have? like a damn vampire....
4. People assume that chimps are stupid.... little girl- "mommy look at the stupid monkey!!!" Mom- "honey, that's not a monkey, its a chimp, and he's smart enough to plan your death!" That's right, chimps have sophisticated hunting methods that involve cooperation, rank, and even deception.... tricky animals these chimps. They have even been seen using tools for both peaceful tasks like opening nuts, and as weapons.
5. A chimp is as agile as the best of Olympic gymnasts....
6. Chimps, not unlike many other animals in nature, instinctively attack where it counts... that is, the genitals..... that's right, they go straight for the junk. Its a brilliant attack plan really, i mean what better way to completely destroy a foe but to not only cause some serious ouch, but to effectively eliminate the chance of his/her line carrying on.... but for real, ouch.
7. chimps have 4 hands. ya, you heard me, i said 4 hands. what i mean is that, the feet of a chimp are almost as useful as his actual hands. They can grip, pull, tear, etc with those feet...
8. Lets not forget the things chimps DONT know... like reason, respect, or mercy... you cant negotiate with a chimp, you cant reason with a chimp, nor bribe or plead for your life... if a chimp thinks you should be dead... say goodbye to your face, cuz its already eaten.
What are we left with after all this is taken into consideration? Well lets just imagine that you are walking down the street... and you see a chimp walking toward you. What would your first thought be? Maybe "Hey! Look at that awesome chimp, maybe he can be my friend! I can put him in a jumpsuit and we will share a series of misadventures together!" or will it be...." Hey, there's a chimp! He's basically the same as a 400 lbs solid muscle Olympic gymnast with 4 hands that doesn't want me here, and will most likely attack my bits n' pieces! I think I'd best be running!"
I guess that's for you to decide, all I'm really trying to say.... is all those people out there who are worried about cell phones giving them cancer or whether or not Christmas is an offensive term.... you'd best be worrying less about that, and more about chimps...
